


How To Be Whole Again

by AgentCoop



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Beaches, Catharsis, Cigarettes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exy (All For The Game), Grief/Mourning, Holding Hands, M/M, POV Neil Josten, Protective Andrew Minyard, Road Trips, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27393241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentCoop/pseuds/AgentCoop
Summary: When the Foxes play USC on their home turf, Neil finds himself in California for the first time since burying his mother.He's close enough to say goodbye.***Or, Andrew says "I love you" without a single word.
Relationships: Neil Josten & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 14
Kudos: 318





	How To Be Whole Again

**Author's Note:**

> Set the Spring after the series ends. Just really wanted catharsis fic with Neil finally saying goodbye to his mom while Andrew came with him for support! Comments and kudos are my lifeblood <3 <3 Hope you enjoy!

The USC game was of the most highly anticipated matchups of the season, and when the schedule came out and put the Foxes on California turf, most of the team was thrilled. California was warm, and beautiful, and scenic, but for Neil, California was also full of ghosts. While the rest of the Foxes revelled in the ‘vacation’, Neil struggled under the weight of keeping his cool as co-captain, and managed to lead the team to a victory only by channeling every ounce of his anxiety he had into the game.

They ended ahead by one point, and squeaked their way into finals by the hair of their teeth.

The team gathered in the lobby of the hotel early the next morning to check out, and Neil walked with them, even though he had no intention of getting back on the plane.

“I just need a few days,” Neil said, watching as Matt and Nicky started playing a game of catch-the-keycard in the middle of the marble floor.

Wymack leaned up against the booth of an irritated hotel clerk who also had eyes only for the rowdy team. “Another sob story?”

“I can pay you back for the plane ticket.”

Wymack heaved a sigh. “I don’t want your money, kid. If you need a break, take a break.”

“It’s not a break. It’s more...I just need to do something. It won’t take–”

Wymack held up a hand. “I don’t need the details. Take the days you need to, and come home back when you're done.”

“Home,” Neil affirmed. It had been almost a year since he’d decided that the Foxes were home to him, but saying it still sent shivers down the small of his back.

“I’m staying too, coach,” Andrew called from the back of the group.

“And who amongst us is surprised,” Wymack said, with an eye roll. “Fine.”

He got the rest of the Foxes checked out and somewhat herded to the front of the lobby, while Neil and Andrew hung back.

“I didn’t ask you to come,” Neil said quietly.

“And I thought we’d exhausted the secrets game.” Andrew studied him intently. “Your mom?”

Neil refused to look away, even though his entire body tensed in desperate desire to run. “I don’t…” he started to say, but the rest of the sentence dissolved before he could voice it.

_Want you here._

_Want you to see this._

_Want you to see **me**._

“If it’s no, say it quick. The taxi is here.”

Neil looked over to the window where one of the big airport bus shuttles had pulled up to the window. Nicky gave a whoop of glee that was far too loud for this early in the morning, Aaron smacked him hard in return, then the team started filing out of the lobby. Dan turned and gave a little wave, which Neil half-heartedly returned.

“It’s yes,” he said quietly.

Andrew didn’t say anything, just stood solidly beside him.

It was what Neil needed.

It was the only thing that mattered.

***

The drive from USC to the Lost Coast should have taken eleven hours, but it ended up being closer to thirteen, thanks to a thirty mile stretch of road construction, and a motorcycle accident an hour later that blocked both lanes.

Neil refused to let Andrew drive the rental car, so Andrew mostly slept in the passenger seat, messed with the radio dials, or kicked at the dashboard restlessly.

As annoying as it was, it kept Neil’s mind off of the inevitable. They were going North, instead of South, but it was still along the coast, so it was becoming hard to denigrate the two in his mind.

Andrew kicking things meant Andrew was alive.

Not dying.

Not Mary Hartford, head pushed against the window, hand pressed against her side, yelling at Neil to keep going because if he didn’t, then he was an idiot and idiots got killed.

Neil blinked and they were in Los Angeles, he blinked and they were in Seattle, he blinked and they were in Salem, he blinked and they were driving somewhere no one came back from.

Andrew flicked the radio louder, and Neil blinked, then tried to give some semblance of a smile, because even though he couldn’t say it, he was so grateful it hurt.

Capetown, California was the last city they passed through before the rural and undeveloped landscape leading to the coast. They hit the town around five, and Andrew made him stop to top off the gas tank and eat. Then they kept going, all the way until Neil could see the sparkle of sunlight reflecting off the perfect, blue water.

The last time he’d been here, it was night, it was cloudy, and the water rolled in with a roar of sound but the color of nothing. It wasn’t until the car started burning that he could see how vast the ocean really was.

This time, the sky was painted in reds and oranges and purples.

This time, all Neil could see was beauty.

He tried to pretend that it didn’t matter, but the unfairness of it ate a hole through his chest all the way to the place where his heart sat, causing it to stutter with every other beat.

“She didn’t deserve you,” Andrew said, with no emotion whatsoever. “She was nothing.” He flicked ash off the butt of his cigarette.

“She was everything,” Neil murmured in response, fingers clinging tight to the wheel of the car.

Andrew took another deep drag of his cigarette and Neil tried to breathe through the smoke, and fire, and blood.

All of the exits looked familiar. It bothered him that he couldn’t remember where he’d buried her, but he finally picked a place to park, a place where the empty sandy beach looked enough like last time that a heavy weight settled deep into his chest and made it hard to breathe.

“Want company?” Andrew asked.

“No.”

“Cool.” Andrew thumbed the seat down and kicked back, eyes closing immediately.

Neil knew him well enough to understand the tension in his jaw. He was awake, but he was giving Neil space.

Neil loved him.

It took 243 steps to get to the water, and Neil counted every one of them in Russian, because Russian was his and Andrew’s. It didn’t belong to Mary.

He toed off his shoes and stepped into the waves, watching the sand sink beneath his feet while white foam rushed to take its place. He took shallow breaths of salt, because if he inhaled too deeply, then all he smelled was fire.

“I miss you,” he said quietly.

 _I love you, I hate you, I need you_ all clogged at the back of his throat, sticky and wet, and awful.

Neil kicked at the water, sending a spray of it up in the air. A seagull walked next to him, utterly unimpressed. Neil kicked water at it too, until it finally gave in and took flight.

He didn’t know what else to say.

She would kill him if she’d seen him last year, but now he was in uncharted territory–a bird without a flightpath, a butterfly without a storm.

Neil walked out far enough into the water that it bit at his ankles, cold and unyielding. “I want to be sorry for this,” he finally said. “But I’m not.” He thought of Matt and his easy friendship, he thought of Wymack and his trust, he thought of Nicky and his smile, he thought of Andrew, and Andrew, and Andrew.

“I lived.”

Neil tried to swallow, but grief choked him until he was clenching at his hair and pulling, until he was drawing in shaky breath after shaky breath, until he wanted to bury his face in the water and scream as loud as he could.

Instead, he held his name as close as possible. He was Neil. He was nothing more and nothing less and he’d never change again.

The swell of ocean licked at his thighs, and Neil opened his eyes, realizing that he was further out than he’d ever intended to be. “Bye, Mom,” he whispered, then waded back to shore and trudged to the car.

Andrew had moved to the driver seat when he got there, and he opened his eyes the moment Neil opened the door.

“You are wet.”

Neil opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

It didn’t phase Andrew. He stuck out his hand and Neil wordlessly dropped the keys in his outstretched palm. Then he circled around and got in the passenger seat.

They drove in silence all the way back through Capetown. Neil leaned his head against the window and watched the trees roll by.

“This isn’t the right way,” he finally murmured, an hour outside of the coast.

Andrew looked over at him with a frown. “Scenic route.”

“Why?”

“Maybe I like trees.”

Neil didn’t have an answer for that, and he was far too tired to argue. He fell asleep somewhere outside of Santa Rosa, and didn’t wake up again until the car slowed to a stop.

“We’re here,” Andrew said gruffly.

Blinking sand from his eyes, Neil looked over to see Andrew’s fingers clenched around the steering wheel.

 _Here_ was a residential neighborhood filled with tiny brick houses. Andrew had parallel parked across from one with a lopsided bird fountain and a yard full of weeds, but his eyes were on the next house–its white picket fence and bright red climbing roses the perfect picture of suburbia.

“Where?” Neil asked, even though he already knew.

Andrew looked over to him, and carefully pried his fingers off the wheel. He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out his pack of cigarettes, tapping one of them out into his palm and lighting it. The smell of smoke filled the car, and Neil looked away, not wanting Andrew to see how much it bothered him.

It didn’t matter. Andrew figured it out within seconds and rolled down the window, stubbed it out on the car, and tossed it to the street.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Neil said quietly.

“Easy enough for you to have a nervous breakdown without my help,” Andrew returned. His eyes were back on the house, and his shoulders were jagged lines of tension. “It’s fine.”

Neil shrugged unhappily, then turned his gaze back to the perfect little house. “This didn’t have to be a trade.”

“No,” Andrew agreed.

On their side of the street, a woman with bright white hair hobbled down her steps and carefully walked to the side of her house. A second later, she returned, dragging a bag of gardening tools with her. Neil watched as she knelt down beside her flower beds and began to weed, then he turned his attention back to the house across the street.

“What was she like?”

Andrew flicked him an irritated look, then took a deep breath in and exhaled loudly through his nose. “She was nice,” he finally said. “Strict I guess. Didn’t let me slack off the way the others would. I didn’t hate her for it.” His eyebrows crinkled in surprise, for a second, then he huffed a small sound that was almost a laugh. “This could have been home.”

Neil considered that for a long time. The lady in the yard next to them slowly pushed herself up and then settled again on the other side of the bed. Neil took in a deep breath but he only smelled gasoline. He wanted to touch Andrew, but the air around them was too volatile. The tiniest spark would cause everything to explode.

“My mom wasn’t very nice,” he said. “But she wasn’t nothing. She was all I had.”

Andrew nodded.

“I have more now.”

Andrew’s jaw tightened, but he didn’t look at Neil. “Five hours to the airport, Josten,” he finally said. “You’re driving it.”

Neil nodded, they switched seats, and as soon as he pulled out of the residential neighborhood, Andrew reached across the console and grasped Neil’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://iamagentcoop.tumblr.com/)  
> Follow me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/agentcoop1)  
> 


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